It’s college application season, so I thought I’d take the time to give all you college seniors out there tips for your applications. Whether you’re applying to Brown or the University of Brown’s Chicken these will work equally well to give your application an extra boost. Waste your parents’ money wisely with these helpful tricks:
- If the application asks about a divorce, don’t skimp on the details. Remember, admissions officials are gossip queens of the highest order. Sob stories and lurid specifics- affairs, drugs, anecdotes lifted directly from OK!- will give you a definite edge over Brian Boring from Topeka.
- Similarly, if the application asks something along the lines of “Care to explain that 2.3 GPA?” you should dive into your horrific past. Our nation’s brand is all about Change right now (via Obama) and every campus needs that “went to rehab for Heroin, cleaned up and got into romantic poetry” type.
- Doing Community Service? What the hell is wrong with you? I applied to a bunch of colleges and not one asked about that crap. Instead of painstakingly tracking the number of hours you worked with the homeless, spend that time exercising and getting pretty. Because a lot of those Ivys have alumni interviews, and those alumni have an objective: keep Yale’s student body hot so their daughter can find a reasonable husband.
- Similarly, if you’ve got the good graces to not look like your ugly, pockmarked peers, you should throw in a few 8x10 glossies- preferably professional headshots. Doesn’t matter if your major is mechanical engineering or musical theater. They might throw those out, but if the intern sorting piles is a healthy American male, your folder might just accidentally wind up in the accept bin.
- Ugly? Print out Facebook photos of your attractive friends and see above. Nobody’ll ever know! Unless your friends read my blog too, in which case, cool, I’ve got more than 1 reader.
- Making up entire extracurricular activities is lame (if you didn’t do Speech Team, don’t say you did Speech Team.) But bumping yourself up a few notches in the hierarchy don’t hurt nobody. Secretary, President, Founder, it’s all the same anyway.
- If any of your friends approach you to enlist your help in running a charity event, definitely say yes! Then tell your college you organized the whole thing and if they have any questions they can speak to your lawyer.
- Don’t have a lawyer? Hon, it’s 2010, get with the program.
- None of this matters anyway because, honestly, the only thing schools look at is your SAT score. So pull a Gossip Girl and hit up your local fake ID dealer ASAP. There are plenty of hungry nerds out there who’ll take the test for a nice boxed lunch. (It’s what they do instead of sports.) ID dealers usually run bulk specials around test time. An added bonus: bars are a great way to meet potential husbands, and everyone knows an MRS degree is the most valuable degree of all. (Behind Engineering degrees, the last stable career path left in this country.)
- College not for you? There’s hundreds of websites where one can print a degree of their choosing, for low, one-time-only fees and minimal effort. Sure, some might say you shouldn’t be working in a corporate IT environment without “some sort of computer science background,” but those people probably aren’t as good at flirting as you are, and they’re also probably lame.
- Don’t have the money for a fake degree? Just put “UC Santa Barbara- English Literature and Humanities” on your resumé. They give those things out like Jolly Ranchers at the dentist’s office, and nobody’s gonna care enough to check anyway.
Hopefully these tips will put you well on your way towards a successful career in schmoozing and socializing and not studying. Remember, if you’re not on a Reality TV show or have an HBO series based on your life by the time you’re 40, you’re nobody. Time to work on that party banter, kid!
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